In the past week I've spent two days at BYU. One day was spent trying to buy books, and another ENTIRE day was spent studying. It was really interesting to take a few minutes to look around the campus (I never attended BYU), to watch the other students, and to watch the other students watch me.
As I watched the other students I saw a lot of myself in them. The Lyndee from the early 90's: single, smiley, attending college, not necessarily studying, having fun, soaking up every minute of a time that was definitely fleeting, tired, silly. The Lyndee from the late 90's: working, husband in college, pregnant, having babies, not quite as constantly smiley, tired, not so silly, eager to have Redge graduate so we can begin our "real life", not so willing to soak up every minute of a time definitely fleeting- and a time filled with as many happy moments as I was willing to see. Lyndee of the turn of the century: a young mom, her family complete, anxious to have fun everywhere, trying to teach her kids EVERYTHING they need to prepare for baptism and making wise choices, relieved in having a college grad husband with a steady paycheck, loving chasing her little kids everywhere they want to go, but sometimes frantic when they run to far or make an unwise choice. Lyndee of today: a bit useless during school hours now that the baby is in first grade, anxious to pick up where she left off in her own studies, loving watching her kids grow and make wise choices, her heart hurting when the hearts of her children hurt, aching joints, crows feet, and the obvious look of "I think I'm JUST BEGINNING to get it!"
But- I'm pretty sure all four of those Lyndee's currently reside within me right now. A few months ago, when asked how long she's known me, a friend wrote on my fb page wrote, "Long enough to know the many faces of Lyndee." I responded, "Very accurate! I think I should just add two words so as to have it read, "Long enough to the know the many faces and phases of Lyndee." It was really interesting to watch the young college kids, and to watch them watch me. We all have so much in common!
It's tough to study here with my kids running in and out. So, Saturday I loaded up my entire desk of study supplies, and headed to BYU. It was raining and freezing! I don't mean sprinkling- I mean Las Vegas in late July Monsoon! I was wearing a coat (which should already be put away for the Summer), gloves, carrying two enormous bags, and an umbrella. I made it to the Wilkinson Center, and found the perfect place to hide and study. I sat down at a table, near an electrical socket, and within view of the GIGANTIC flat screen tv; with laptop (and power cord), water, 6 binders, 10 books, a bag of pens and pencils, my ipod (and power cord & earphones), and my cell phone (and power cord). I covered the entire table.
It took a good 15 minutes to set up. I could feel people watching me. Obviously, people were thinking, "Who's the old lady?" There were some pre-mission guys sitting on a couch watching the NFL draft, and I saw them watching me watching the draft as I set up my work area. They looked at me like they were watching the Sesame Street segment, "One of These Things Doesn't Belong." One young woman looked at me with a completely astonished/disgusted look, I'm sure because I was carrying so much stuff, and was grossed out by my willingness to be seen in public in such disarray. Oh well... Finally- I was set. I had everything I needed. Everything was plugged in, turned on, and booted- ready to go. I put in my earphones, and turned up the volume loud enough so as to mute any ambient noise.
I'm a pretty good studier- when fully medicated for my ADHD. I can sit and read for hours on end. I arrived at BYU at 1PM, and left after 10PM. While there I got out of my chair twice. I did occasionally stop to check out the draft, and I did look into the unfortunate shooting in Georgia, but for the most part I just straight up studied- for hours. However, I can't help but look around from time to time at what it is that's going on around me.
I caught a few students staring at me with a look of frustration and jealousy. As I closely interviewed them with my eyes I realized why they looked so forlorn. Most of these students have these common attributes:
1- young
2- without as much cash flow as they desire
3- probably not so fond of their roommates
4- feeling pressured to make decisions
5- constantly worried, tired, and anxious
I'm pretty sure they looked at me with the following thoughts:
1- she doesn't get what it's like to be broke- check out her laptop, phone, ipod
2- she probably pays her tuition the day its due
3- she doesn't have to worry about her roommates not liking her
4- she doesn't have to report to her parents
5- she gets to choose whatever classes she takes- no required classes for her
6- she's married! she's wearing a wedding ring- a nice one!
Here's what they don't know:
1- I used to be young- that was good stuff!
2- now I'm old- THIS is good stuff!
3- I was a poor college student, my husband was a poor college student until right before my THIRD child was born
4- I am fond of my roommates- however, they're not always so fond of me
5- I have to make millions of decisions every single day- do I let Taite get away with not vacuuming her room? do I put Arthur in time out again? did I teach Seth not talk back? do I let Reece stay out late?
6- I worry constantly. Now I worry about myself, my husband, my four kids, my parents, my six siblings, the spouses of my siblings, my 11 nieces and 10 nephews, my friends, my dog, my bird, my callings, my husband's callings, and my extended family. Oh yeah- I also worry about my schooling.
7- I AM TIRED ALL THE TIME! I AM TIRED OF BEING TIRED!
8- I'm anxious about everything- you don't want me to start a list. I don't have time to start a list- I have to study. I don't want to start a list- the thought of it makes me anxious.
9- Yes- I had with me a nice laptop. MY HUSBAND'S laptop. He's an engineer. He has to have all that tech stuff. I don't have my own laptop- I BORROWED his. I have an amazing phone- because it keeps me from having to take all my 5,000 books with me wherever I go (this is not an exaggeration- ask my kids). I have an ipod- yep. I just got it about six months ago. It's my first one. I'm 37 years old.
10- My husband works hard. We were poor for a very long time. We worked hard, and he now makes enough money to pay my tuition- thanks, Sweetheart.
11- As for my roommates liking me, see #4
12- I still report to my parents. As a parent I now realize that the "Parent Check-Ins" NEVER GO AWAY!!! And, as an adult, I'm realizing what a great blessing it is to have parents to whom I can still go for guidance and unconditional love- even when my roommates don't dig me so much.
13- These young kids don't have kids of their own to worry about!
14- These kids didn't receive 4,000 thousand texts from a teenager asking "Can I go to a movie?" "Can I go longboarding?" "Can I go play basketball?" "Can I go to Tyler's?"
15- These young kids don't know the follow up questions for each of the previously mentioned texts: "What movie?" "How are you getting there?" "Who's going?" "Do you have money?" "Where are you long boarding, and with whom?" "Play basketball where?" "Who's going with you?" "How are you getting to and from Tyler's?" "Who will be there?" "Will his mom be there?" "What are you going to do at Tyler's?" "What time will you be home?"
16- Nor do these young kids know the endless reminder texts that accompany these questions: "Remember that I love you." "Make wise choices." "Be safe." "Don't touch girls where MODEST ONE PIECE swimming suits go." "Check in every other hour." "No kissing girls." "No smoking, drinking, and/or drugs." "Watch your mouth." "Say thank you." "Be kind and helpful." "Remember that I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY love you!"
17- These young kids DON'T HAVE KIDS!
18- These young kids still have yet to learn the meaning of "Saturday is a special day, it's the day we get ready for Sunday." They don't know what it takes to prepare a family of six physically and mentally for the Sabbath, and I have to do this when I get home. (But, I didn't because my amazing husband had done it for me while I was gone- thanks, Sweetheart!)
So, in short... I turn to Isaiah.
65:14 "But be ye glad and rejoice for ever in that which I create."
Heavenly Father created each of us in our own times, in our circumstances, in our own places, and there is so much to enjoy- EVERY SINGLE DAY!
61:3 "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."
The good stuff- the promises found in the scriptures- IT'S ALL WORTH IT!
And finally- a little shout out to my good friend, Pahoran. All of this worldly junk- "It Mattereth Not".
